The Myth Of The "Lifestyle" BDSM Community

I believe in the inherent goodness of people and try to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. I do this with my vanilla encounters and with my BDSM situations. Despite over ten years in the business, I haven't become too cynical or jaded to stop what I am doing. Yes, clients are still going to flake, but at this point I have built in enough barriers to prevent MOST of my time from being wasted, but I digress. This post isn't about my profession, but rather the "community" or the Scene that occupies the Bay Area, as well as anywhere else in the world.

Before I turned Pro, I was in the Scene as a private player. I encountered many different types of people, attended play parties, and had a lot of fun. I would meet tops, bottoms, switches and hear their stories. I used to think that the couples in "lifestyle" relationships really had it going on. They had hit the magic combination of kink and a relationship...then I grew up.

I think that many of my clients who must keep their SM a secret tend to believe that those who are able to be "out" about their kink have an ideal situation. That because two people come together via kink, that they are living something that would be the ultimate fantasy. My response to those who think that is: Yeah right!!

Consider the SM Community like you would a quiet suburb in Anytown, USA. It APPEARS to have well-kept homes, with nice yards, 2.5 kids in the house and happily married couples who are just peachy about being together. However, when you go behind closed doors, you find out that most of couples have serious martial discord, a percentage of the wives have substance abuse problems, and the kids are basically screwed up in SOME way--just pick your disorder. No one knows about these issues though because of the facade that is presented to the world. They are so concerned with being "perfect" to outsiders that they can't acknowledge how it really is.

That's how it is with my "community." I'm actually so disgusted with it that I refuse to take part in what "they" do. That means I don't attend play parties, teach classes, or get involved with "them." Do I consider myself "better" than them? No, I just consider myself to be HONEST about what I am and what I hope to achieve from my relationships in and out of the dungeon.

What I'm specifically referring to is the image that many in this community try to portray. Yes, there are those who are truly in committed, collared relationships, but then there are those who talk about them but have anything BUT a committed relationship. They perpetrate that they serve only one man/woman, and yet they actively solicit for new play partners via ads, etc. They act like they are a top and so in control, and yet they kneel and serve another top on a regular basis. Why not just say you're a switch? There is nothing wrong with that. I think it's unfair to paint yourself as being a top ONLY because some submissives really can't serve a person who bottoms to another. It just messes with their headspace. Why not be HONEST about who you are? I thought that was the premise of what we enjoy? That kink HAD to come from a position of honesty or it was a failed attempt before initiation.

I guess the simple way to sum things up is that those in The Scene are no different than your annoying neighbor who is always bragging about his new cars, what his kids have accomplished, etc. That the REASON why he is so busy bragging to you is an inherent emptiness and dissatisfaction with himself that makes him NEED some type of attention from you. I guess that's it. Those who are so busy crowing about how great they have it, and how wonderful their "collared" relationships are, just might not be that happy in reality.

Thus, for those of you who wish that you could be in a lifestyle relationship and take part in this "community," be careful what you wish for. It's as dysfunctional and screwed up as any other neighborhood in the world.